


Deus Ex Machina

by chaletian



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-05-25
Updated: 2010-05-25
Packaged: 2017-10-09 17:17:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/89777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chaletian/pseuds/chaletian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Ancients certainly did leave behind a lot of very odd, half-finished machines...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Deus Ex Machina

_Atlantis, one Tuesday morning, just before lunchtime…_

Othae, the chief science officer on the Atlantis base, beamed proudly upon his assembled team, each member hovering possessively over a network interface.

"Well," he said jovially, "as you know, this is the date we set aside to go over potential scientific solutions against the Wraith." There was a smattering of disapproving mutterings at the name of their enemy, and Othae quietened them with a soothing hand. "Come, now, we know we outstrip them in terms of technology. Our minds," he said grandly, "are greater than anything the Wraith possess. Now, what have you all come up with to vanquish them?"

There was a sudden silence among the team, and Othae smiled supportively. "Don't be shy! I'm sure you've had some simply wonderful ideas! Tira, how about you?"

Tira, a small, tense looking blond man, stepped forward, and cleared his throat portentously. "As you will all know," he began graciously, "one of the greatest things in battle is the element of surprise. Dealing the Wraith a blow which would shock – no, _stagger_ them – should be crucial."

"Oh, quite, quite," murmured Othae.

"To this end, I have been working ceaselessly on just that project." Tira's eyes gleamed with enthusiasm. "After much trial and error, and a careful application of the Novium theory of transdimensional intermotion, I believe – I truly do believe – that I have succeeded!"

"Splendid!" said Othae. "Splendid, my dear boy!"

"Thank you, sir!" Tira's chest swelled with pride as the others clustered around, eager to view his accomplishment. "Now, by working these controls here, and by using – well, one of the zero point modules, though I confidently expect that we can reduce the power requirements – anyway, the thing is, if you get one Wraith here, and the other one _here_, and then depress this lever and push this button here, then their minds will exchange bodies!" His voice rang out, proud and true. The others looked at him. Othae cleared his throat.

"Er… well, it certainly has potential, Tira, definite potential. On a mass scale… or not on a mass scale?" as he saw Tira's face drop.

"Sadly not, sir. I can't find a way to extend the field beyond the immediate vicinity of the machine. Still, I think the uses for this would be…"

"Absolutely," said Othae, nodding encouragingly. "And we will certainly look at it in a little more detail, Tira, never fear! Cholman, what have you been working away at?"

Cholman, stocky and red-haired, cast a despising glance at the overcome Tira. "Whilst battle strategy can be useful to some," he said patronisingly, "I have chosen to focus on a way to avoid the Wraith threat altogether, using the very nature of our existence as our means of survival." He flourished a hand at his own network interface. "The 'Ascender', as I have named it, will help all of our people, whether ready or not, to Ascend to the next plane of existence, thereby obviating the need for any kind of martial confrontation."

Othae looked impressed, and Cholman preened, ignoring the two or three members of the science team who looked less than bowled over.

"Cholman! A worthy endeavour indeed!"

"Thank you! Indeed, I have already begun to test it!"

One of the other scientists leaned over and whispered into Othae's ear. The team leader's eyes widened. "Really! I wondered where he'd got to!" He frowned. "His brain exploded, you say?" The scientist nodded, shooting a triumphant glance at Cholman. Tira, recovered from his experience, raised a tentative hand.

"Seya too," he added. He gestured a little. "Poof."

Othae looked disgruntled. "She was fixing my door!" he said, frowning. "Look here, Cholman, jolly good idea, well done, but let's leave experimenting with it till we've got a little more time on our hands, eh?" He moved on. "Lanta!"

Lanta, tall and dark, stepped forward confidently. "Children," she said briefly. "We make the Wraith into children."

"Children?" said Othae, a little diffidently.

"Yes," said Lanta brightly. "As children they will be defenceless. We can slaughter them all."

"Children, yes, yes, interesting," said Othae, circling a finger. "Next!"

A woman who closely resembled Tira stepped forward, nervously pushing back her hair. "I, too, have been working on the Novium theory of…"

"Does this involve swapping genders?" interrupted Othae. The woman looked taken aback, and nodded silently. Othae rolled his eyes. "Next!"

Darmay, impassive with his large, dark beard, stepped forward. "I have created a weapon capable of taking out dozens – even hundreds – of their ships at a time."

Othae perked up. "Well, that sounds more like it, Darmay! Tell us more!"

"I have built it on the planet of the Durandanes. It is entirely new way of generating power, which will provide for a weapons platform the like of which the Wraith will not be able to withstand."

"Oh, marvellous! Well done!"

Darmay shrugged. "There are only a couple of kinks to iron out."

Othae looked suspicious. "Kinks? What sort of… kinks?"

"The power is difficult to control. Projections show that full scale use could lead to the destruction of the entire solar system. But, under the circumstances, I'm sure that…"

"Enough!" Othae pinched the bridge of his nose, and sighed. "Team, good work, jolly good work, but let's work on, I don't know, more stunners." He ushered them before him, pausing briefly at his own network interface, issuing an immediate directive to stop testing. Some ideas were just too foolish to continue.

oOo

_Atlantis, one Friday afternoon, ten thousand years later…_

The door to yet another unexplored room swooshed open, and footsteps clattered in. A man, talking nineteen to the dozen, swept the protective covering off the console, and rubbed his hands expectantly.

"It is one more abandoned project," objected Radek Zelenka, looking up from his laptop. "Rodney, how much longer do we have to…"

"Zelenka, even in your tiny and under-used brain, you have to see that the Ancients made some amazing scientific advances which it is our _duty_ to explore. Colonel!" he snapped his fingers imperiously. "Colonel! Over here! Come and use that over-developed gene of yours to earn your keep!"

Lt Colonel Sheppard sauntered over to join McKay at the console. He reached out to touch it, there was a bright flash of light, and then Sheppard and McKay were both on the floor looking dazed. Zelenka sighed and rolled his eyes. _Here they went again…_

THE END


End file.
